The EPS is the most retarded law enforcement agency in the world

For years, we have complained that the EPS is basically a roving brigade of retards. Though it sounds harsh, this is actually based on solid facts.

Evidence #1: Not admitting that there’s a serial killer on the loose in the city even though everyone and their autistic dog have pieced together the facts and came to that conclusion years ago.

Evidence #2: “The Overtime Affair” which I don’t want to go into the trouble of explaining. But trust me when I say that the EPS’s utter incompetence was demonstrated at that event.

And now, as if we need more evidence for their stupidity, some fucker of a cop gave me a ticket last night when I was out on Whyte. Now you may ask, what kind of ticket is this? Did I run naked along Whyte after a rousing game of hot nuts and got a ticket for indecent exposure? No. Did I end up in a bar fight after a rousing game of hot nights and got a ticket for drunken misconduct? No. Did I smoke pot in an alley behind Whyte and got fined? No. Did I jaywalk? NO!!!!

I (and by I, I meant “Fresh and I”) got a ticket for crossing the street, at a proper intersection, when there were 15 seconds left on the blinking-hand countdown, which, when you think of it, is the most retarded way to get a ticket. Frankly, I’d rather get a ticket for any of the aforementioned activities--well, except jaywalking, because that’s pretty retarded too-–than the ticket that I got. We tried to talk out of it, as we were both quite sober by then. But the cop cited the “new zero tolerance” rule, which, frankly, I think is in place to stop some variant of the Canada Day riot rather than to discourage able-bodied people from crossing the street when they knew they had time.

And to add insult to the injury, earlier before we set out for the Strat, Berry and Fresh found a backpack full of bolt cutter, mask, gloves, bike lock keys, small screwdrivers and stuff in their backyard. This shit obviously belongs to a bike thief. It goes without saying that we’re spooked enough that we called the police. But when we called the police, they said that the station is only open from 8-to-8 and they were busy that night. Come back tomorrow during office hours.

Of course we found out later that all the cops in the area is too busy giving out ticket to people crossing the street when the blinking hand is on!!!! So busy that they can’t come and investigate a backpack full of stuff that’s used to commit real criminal offences. What a bunch of cocksuckers! I’m totally going to fight this in court.

So the lesson I learned last night is that the EPS is the most retarded law enforcement agency in the world and that I’m totally going to stop crossing the street when the blinking hand comes on … when there’s a cop around.