Newspaper called Gateway

Newspaper = GO!

2006-12-04T23:57:00.000-07:00

Getaway, bitches!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-11-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Tinier Horses!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-11-28T00:29:00.000-07:00

Yep.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-11-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

Also, Chloe totally destroyed a fucking couch today. A fucking couch! With a hammer!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-11-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

This issue also marks our birthday. Happy Birthday, Gateway!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-11-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

On a completely unrelated note, this is the first Google Image result for "r kelly". He should have stayed in the closet.

Amanda stole the news staff ad format

2006-11-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

Scott says:

Fact: Amanda Ash has never had an original thought in her life, and many believe that her obsession with Harry Potter borders on the pathological.

Fact: She also smells of old shoes.

Gateway News
Superior to A&E in every way since 1910

I say:

Fact: Amanda we used to be friends.

Fact: The bonds of our friendship have been broken.

Gateway News
A stanger to the A&E editor since earlier this afternoon.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-11-09T01:07:00.000-07:00

Newspaper = GO!

2006-11-07T01:44:00.000-07:00

Making a paper immediately after returning from Winnipeg was a bad idea. On the bright side of things, we discovered Prus' long-lost brother. Joss Prusakowski for the win.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-11-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

See you bastards in Winnipeg!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-10-31T01:08:00.000-07:00

Fuck CMYK.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-10-26T00:35:00.000-06:00

" It is customary for crowds to hold up lit cigarette lighters during power ballads."
(citation needed)

Newspaper = GO!

2006-10-18T23:30:00.000-06:00

This is about the 8th Newspaper = GO! post in a row. You guys need to start posting more. Forum geeks.

Also, start playing WoW. On Cho'gall. Look how lonely my mighty warrior is! Cidshocker, Cho'gall, Alliance-style. Rad!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-10-16T23:35:00.000-06:00

Newspaper = GO!

2006-10-12T00:41:00.000-06:00

Finished with our ass n da aurr

Newspaper = GO!

2006-10-05T00:28:00.000-06:00

Newspaper = GO!

2006-10-03T01:12:00.000-06:00

Fuck Horses

Newspaper = GO!

2006-09-27T23:01:00.000-06:00

Newspaper = GO!

2006-09-25T23:43:00.000-06:00

I think we're getting better at this newspapering thing.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-09-21T00:07:00.000-06:00

I find Mike Winters Hilarious and wish he drew more Gateway comics

2006-09-18T23:11:00.000-06:00

Enough said.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-09-18T23:01:00.000-06:00

I think we're getting better at this deadline thing. Smaller newspapers do tend to make a difference. Also, the crossword is back. Joy!

Speaking of things being back, the NHL preseason is underway, and the Flames started things with a bang, downing the Panthers 3-1. I couldn't q uite get over the commentary's pronunciation of Ed Belfour's name as “Belfer”, but it's a small price to pay for a Calgary victory. Go Flames Go!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-09-14T00:33:00.000-06:00

Tinier Cats!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-09-12T00:05:00.000-06:00

We did it? We did it! Press time before deadline! Huzzah!

In other news...

Incriminating evidence pt. 1

2006-09-07T20:52:00.000-06:00

Here's a tasty sampling of the retreat fun, in chronological order (and reverse-order of retardation, apparently).

Firewood!

Chicken! (Thanks, Lisa. It was delish.)

Ah, the beer hat. So trashy.

As usual, Ashy is the first to get hammered.

Apparently, I wasn't far behind (pretty good for a self-portrait, though, eh?)

Matt Frehner doing his best Steve Smith impression.

Apples to Applzzz!!!

(See quote book for this one, probably)

Yeah, Natalie, you really needed that Breezer...

Krystina, on the other hand...

...is a much subtler drunk. But don't worry, she still gets drunk.

The shirt says it all.
(Actually, it just says "Trust me I'm a Zombie," but nevermind.)

Foot off the ground!!!!!!!! Well, almost.

Steve Smith doing his best Steve Smith impression.

Not too sure about this one... Any takers?

In conclusion: where's the fork?

2006-09-07T01:37:00.000-06:00

Back to school
Back to school
To prove to dad that I’m not a fool
I’ve got my lunch packed up
My boots tied tight
I hope I don’t get in a fight
Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school...

Funny how my presence on campus all summer has made this year’s “First Day of School” feel like any other day. I guess being out of the house and not having my mother tell me that I’ll never amount to anything is a big change. God, I’m gonna miss that.

Oh yeah. 36 pages done, a little overdue. Good enough.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-08-31T04:38:00.000-06:00

48 pages. 16 page feature pull-out. It's 4:35 AM. 'nuff said.

Staff Retreat 2006: A Collection of Quotes

2006-08-28T11:25:00.000-06:00

We're back from Jasper, feeling all a little closer to one another while our livers weep in submission. I'm told photos are to be posted soon, so as official Quotebook Holder (a title I've just now devised), I'm in charge of getting these bits of incriminating evidence out on the Internets.

Selected Musings from the Gateway Staff Retreat

"The missed kick at the end of the last Eskies game made me cry more than Schindler's List ever did."

"Do you pinch it?"

"If someone with the last name of North marries someone with the last name of West, they could hyphenate their name to North-West!"

"If I lose the baby, I'm blaming you"
- Lisa, on Scott's cold

"I wouldn't lose! I can't lose!"

"Are you saying Steve can't be attractive because he's a rapist?"

"I spend a tremendous amount of my life being full of shit."

"There was a girl in high school that we called 'Road Head'"
"Did her head look like a road?"

"But the cab was twenty dollars!"

"Never have I ever done a body shot"
"Does it have to be in Canada?"

"Never have I ever had sex in my parents' bed"
*raises her bottle, hesitates, and stares at it thoughtfully*
"Are you trying to remember if they're your parents?"

(singing): It's ecstasy / When you're next to meee

"I've seen a lot of cock. What can I say?"

(laughing at his own joke, then falling under the table): That was the funniest joke ever! Mike, do you remember it?

"I covered all the colours in kindergarten, and "Portugese" was not among them"

"You know what? I'm better than you!"

"I'm good at sex. I have an orgasm every time."

"She was like 'Why would you do such a thing?', and I was like 'You should probably go to the bathroom and clean that out of your eyes.'"

"Did I drop the Ejaculate Bomb? I guess I did."

"Eleventy Billion!"

"Clearly, I'm not any better than this."

"Attila the Lunn...that's the baby's working title"

(choking): Why are you hitting me ten-four!?

"The word should be "avuncular", ten-four."
"Yes, but you have to come up with three synonyms, ten-four."
"Uncle-like, Uncleish, and Unclesque, ten-four."

"It's a uterine toner."

"I can fillibuster like a mofo."

"When you refer to the Design & Production Editor, you have to call him 'Overlord'"
"Who's the Design & Production Editor?"
*chair collapses*
"...I think I'm a little drunk."

"Red Delicious? They should call them 'Red Not-Too-Shabbies'!"

"Krystina! Your thumb is a coward!"

"Because I respect the secrecy of "You're Goddamned Right I Have", I'm not going to ask you for elaboration. Unrelatedly, when were you on CUP Sta -- FOOT OFF THE GROUND! FOOT OFF THE GROUND!!!"

"Hey, Solo McNewspaper Delivery, it's your turn!"

"No, I'm shaking your hand. What are you doing?! No! Don't try to thumb wrestle me!"

"It's probably best you didn't sleep in this bed last night, Mike. I had a raging hard-on when I woke up."

Newspaper = GO!

2006-08-09T23:56:00.000-06:00

Sneaking in just under the wire, our last paper of the summer is done. With the return of Natalie to fill out our roster of ingrates and scalliwags, things ran a lot smoother, despite the lack of copy in several of the sections.

Now, we hold our breath and dread the arrival of our 44-page start of the year spectacular. Joy. Oh. Bliss.

Not so Fresh anymore

2006-07-24T22:19:00.000-06:00

Today, Gateway Editor-in-Chief Matt Frehner joined the old man club, along with Adam Gaumont, as he celebrated his 22nd birthday. Now he can really boss the rest of us around because he's old. But don't fear the tyranny, we also have some positive things to look forward to like the sweet creamy taste of Wether's Original.

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

Newspaper = GO!

2006-07-19T23:54:00.000-06:00

Could it be? A paper that's finished on time? By us? Yes! If this is an indicator of things to come, we're sure to have a year of fantastic mediocrity, though the positive progress is encouraging. And the math is delicious.

DINOSAURS!

2006-06-27T19:09:00.000-06:00

The truth is, I'm getting pretty tired of Will Ferrell movies. Since Anchorman, even before, seeing the guy pop up in an opportune cameo appearance in every other movie has been wearing a little thin. Given, he had a slightly-entertaining, albeit overacted part in The Producers, but I, like many of you, approach his movies with caution.

But here's my dilemma. I also enjoy making fun of NASCAR, and apparently, Willy does too. Or at least, that's what his latest film would lead me to believe. Meet Ricky Bobby, the brave hero of the upcoming film Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Here's what IMDb has to offer on this potential masterwork:

NASCAR stock car racing sensation Ricky Bobby (Will Ferrell) is a national hero because of his "win at all costs" approach. He and his loyal racing partner, childhood friend Cal Naughton Jr. (John C. Reilly), are a fearless duo -- "Shake" and "Bake" by their fans for their ability to finish so many races in the #1 and #2 positions, with Cal always in second place. When flamboyant French Formula One driver Jean Girard (Sacha Baron Cohen) challenges "Shake" and "Bake" for the supremacy of NASCAR, Ricky Bobby must face his own demons and fight Girard for the right to be known as racing's top driver.

Yes, that tagline reads "The story of a man who could only count to #1." I'm conflicted and confused. Somebody hold me.

Celebrity Spottings at the Mayfair Part I

2006-06-11T17:13:00.001-06:00

Since I've started working at the golf course, I've waited on and conversed with a number of "important" Edmonton figures. I've never really recognized any familiar faces, despite everyone else saying "so-and-so is this person for that company" and whatnot, but if there are faces to be recognized, they are the tough--yet delicate--visages of hockey players, or hockey-associated people. Yes, indeed; today, I began serving Cal Nichols' table (he was a really nice man, even though he is a wee bit uptight), and thought, "Hey, this is cool; I know him!" The party grew to a whopping 15 people, and since I'm new to the whole waitressing bit, I thought, "Uh oh, these must be important people; I better not fuck up." Then, as I was clearing Mr. Nichols' plate, he said, "Amanda, can you get Mark something to eat?" Just thinking it was another Edmonton Oilers' owner, I turned around and smacked into a buff abdomen. I looked up, and to my awe, it was Mark Messier. Mark Fucking Messier. The Moose. He said "hello" and then asked what cold cereal we had. I clammed up a bit, but after diligently wiping the star-struck expression off my face, I said granola and raisin bran. He wanted the raisin bran. I suggested the granola. He insisted on the raisin bran. I gave him the cereal (which, I must say, isn't REAL raisin bran, but bran flakes WITH raisins in it) and 2% milk, expecting him to devour it within a single gulp, but to my surprise, he ate two bites. Plus, he only drank a sip of his Perrier water. I was shocked. I thought about what Don Cherry would say (it would go something like this: "Kids, if you don't eat your raisin bran, you won't have the strength to become a hockey star"). Then, I cleared his plate, and collected my best tip so far, especially since people at the Mayfair aren't expected to tip because they eat there, like, everyday. Giggling like a schoolgirl, I watched Mr. Messier go to the golf shop and buy a toque and three coats because he was freezing. Everyone else was wearing light jackets. He's obviously not used to the Canadian weather anymore. Then, they all went golfing. Then, they all returned for lunch. Then, when Mr. Messier was leaving, I scrounged up the courage to say, "Bye Mr. Messier! Have a good day!" Then, he turned around, smiled at me, and said "Thanks! You too! Bye!" I had wanted to ask him if you really can't eat just one Lay's chip, but I think my 'goodbye' was good enough.

So, the moral of this story is that there will be many more summer celebrity spottings at the Mayfair. Also, the second moral of this story is to be really nice to the Oilers' owners/Mark Messier because, in all, the golf shop boys and the bar servers made about $100 in tips for smiling and looking pretty.

Oh, and I wasn't able to get an autograph; unfortunately, at the Mayfair, we're not allowed to do that sort of thing because it is inappropriate. However, if Rod Brind'Amour shows up anytime this week (I know he, or any other hockey players won't, due to practices and whatnot, but still...), I'm going to tell him he's ugly and that he looks like his ape-mother sat on his face. The termination of my employment will be worth it.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-06-08T01:49:00.000-06:00

After working diligently to avoid another 1:30 AM press time, we came in at a clean 1:45 AM press time! Of course, this is The Gateway's first 16-page summer issue, and with Oilers losses combined with broken promises of beer from our EiC, such liberties are to be expected.

Rad!

Anyone looking for an apartment?

2006-06-01T00:43:00.000-06:00

Now, I know alot of you Gateway types have already found a place to live -- shit, in most cases you've moving in with each other! But for those of you who are still on the prowl for that hip, conveniently located Old Strathcona abode, look no further than the aptly named Shangri-La apartment on 83 ave in Edmonton.

Available starting September 1st, 2006, this fine edifice boasts the following tasty features:

Private waste management facilities:

A spacious parking spot -- spacious because that's where our car used to be, before it was STOLEN (the night of the Gateway Christmas party, I might add. Wait, yeah, I just did add it). Note the nearby access to arguably Whyte Ave's seediest bar and its riff-raff patrons.

Friendly, outgoing tenants in suite above who like to have a good time -- and by "good time" I mean king-hell shit-storm shindigs. On fucking weeknights. Until 4 in the morning. And who, this past Wednesday night, in some sort of loud, drunken girls-night-out squeel-fest, chucked a futon and mattress off of their 3-floor balcony onto the grass below. Unfortunately, I didn't have access to a digital camera at the time (though one of these dumb bitches did: she stood below and took a picture of it on her camera phone), so this hastily drawn artist's conception will have to suffice:

Or, if you don't find yourself getting along famously with them, perhaps you'd take a shining to the people who live below. You'll never need to go out to overcrowded and overpriced nightclubs again, as these jackasses have somehow managed to steal the Rum Jungle's 800 000-watt sound system and install it in their 1-BR apt. You won't have any choice but to shake your booty -- and your pictures right off of the wall -- when these homeys pump their beats.

If nothing else, you'll surely hit it off with the possible serial killers who live next door. I have not laid eyes on these creepers since the day they moved in, but their apartment often smells of rotting garbage (i.e. human corpses), and their balcony is crammed with full garbage bags (i.e. chopped up human remains). They never make any noise.

Of course, nothing is for free, and so it is to be expected that an apartment on trendy 83rd avenue that comes with so many fringe benefits won't come cheap. As a matter of course, the new owners of the building, Har-Par Investments (aka the devil), have recently notified us of a slight increase in our monthly rent:

This modest 160$/month surcharge, a mere 25% increase, will surely be worth every hard-earned penny that the next tenant makes (as it happens, my lady-friend and I will be moving out before this increase takes effect), especially considering all of the improvements and investments that the owners are putting into the building (to wit: the grass gets mowed at least once a month, and a guy once came and fixed our stove!). But hey, at least laundry only costs $4 a pop...

But of course, it's not the building that counts, it's the people, the neighbourhood, the atmosphere, the je ne sais quoi that makes one's arrondissement special, you know? Like the way the Oilers-game riots are right outside of your door. Like the way drug deals go down in the back alley. Like the way you can come home on a wednesday night, say, last week, and watch a couple of dudes steal a car in broad fucking daylight not 50 feet from your own car, which is locked, "clubbed," and has the stereo face-plate removed, but which still causes you to run to the window to check on it every 5 minutes lest it get stolen again. Like the way you eventually just program the Edmonton Police Service's (non-emergency) phone number into your cell's phone book (luckily I haven't had to use that other, 3-digit one yet...).

As for me, I'll be moving in September, come hell or high water. Whither, you ask? Well, as it stands, a nice, quiet little town called "Buttfuck, Nowhere." Not familiar with that one? Take a look on the map I've provided. Directions are easy enough -- come visit me sometime.

So yeah, if you're interested in moving in when I leave, give me a call. If I haven't been shot by then or had my phone cut off, I'll get back to you. Sigh...

My Stay-At-Home Day

2006-05-24T13:00:00.000-06:00

So unlike Ashy, and Natalie, and Lilwall, I don't get to go to "Europe" this summer so much as I get to "stay at home and do nothing." Still, I figured I'd post some of the sights I'll be seeing all summer long for you guys to enjoy.

This is where I woke up this morning. Be in awe.

Apparently, unlike Europe, my Room has piles of laundry that need to be done today.

This is probably my favourite picture. It's not very often that one can take their picture with the Half-Finished Photo-Mosaic Puzzle.

Even more amazing: The rare visage of my dog. She's afraid of the camera, specifically the flash.

My European Adventure

2006-05-24T11:20:00.000-06:00

I know everyone is probably sick and tired of me talking about Europe, but I'm going to go ahead and post some pictures anyway. This blog has been neglected for too long.

The Eiffel Tower

One massive sex shop/adult entertainment theatre in Paris

The Louvre

Grenoble, the city Kieran is living in

An Olympics display in Torino, Italy

A glorified HUB Mall in Naples, Italy

Kieran and Pompeii

Walking the beaches on Ischia

The Coliseum in Rome

The roof of the Sistine Chapel (shhh...this picture wasn't supposed to be taken)

Geneve, Switzerland

A big, shiny UN building (WMO--World Meteorological Organization--to be exact)

Newspaper = GO!

2006-05-18T01:28:00.000-06:00

And not a moment too soon.

Thankfully, our tardiness was made gentle by the stern-but-warm MSN dialogue with our printer. His eventual "k...thx" didn't offer much encouragement in the way of his implied satisfaction, but come on, we had a lot to do!

Not to point fingers or anything, but it was Natalie's fault.

Fake Newspaper = Boo-ya!

2006-05-06T23:21:00.000-06:00

I guess this is the first of many similar posts yet to come, if you don't count the one I made last month. The fake .PDFs of our fake newspaper were rolled out to the fake printers, in what's sure to be a radtastic fake issue at around 8:45 PM tonight. The delay is simply attributed to the amount of partying and general "gettin' down" we did in its completetion. Fuckin' eh!

Good bye you princes of Maine. You kings of New England.

2006-04-30T23:02:00.000-06:00

When I started at University I always wanted to write for the Gateway. All through my first year I didn't go over to the office because I thought I had missed the boat with the beginning of the year new writers meeting. During my second year, I missed the meeting as well, but my friend Adam Houston, who was a writer, gave me his assignment to review The Wedding Planner. I don't know if Adam cleared this with then Gateway Entertainment Editor Dave Alexander or just decided he was going to do this unilaterally in a way that I'm sure would piss off editors today to no end. Adam was the kind of guy who would do something like that and get away with it. He'll be in town over the weekend and if any of you guys come to see M:I:III with me you'll probably meet him.

Anyway, I wrote the review of The Wedding Planner, which was way too easy on the movie, sent it via e-mail to Dave Alexander, and got a nice e-mail back saying that he liked my review. I still sort of think that Adam might have set the whole thing up to get me to volunteer. I reviewed one more movie in the 2000/01 school year, Tomcats, and I received the assignment in the same way.

I had never met Dave during his tenure as Entertainment Editor except as a mild glance at a party at Houston's house which was mostly a "man that's Dave Alexander, I'm totally not going to talk to him" (there were similar moments with Chris Boutet and Mike Winters at the same party). The same night I also drank almost a two-six of rum and crawled around on the floor covered in a buffalo skin. It was a memorable party and probably the drunkest I've ever been. I was literally to sick to get up the next day. But I digress.

Anyway, since I had already gotten two things published, I decided that I really should go to a meeting. Having also decided to be a lazy bum that summer, and since you really need to go to meetings to pick up stories, I made a point of figuring out when the next summer issue meeting was going to drop (they had giant ads in each issue, I think they were a little short on copy). After waiting in front of the office nervously while I waited for Adam (because I couldn't go in without knowing anyone!), I watched all of the people start to file in. They were so much cooler than me.

Adam showed up and I went in. The meeting was surprisingly packed for a summer A&E meeting (I would guesstimate that there were at least 20–25 people there), but that was okay in the nostalgically spacious basement meeting room (remember the Gateway office was where the Chaplains' office now resides until summer 2002). Everyone knew everyone, and I was quiet for a few minutes, but then everything became warm and welcoming. I picked up another movie review, this time for The Others.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I stuck around for five years and became EiC.

And thus ends my tenure at the Gateway.

Except on the board.

And playing slo-pitch.

And as an occasional A&E writer.

And maybe a a photog.

EDIT: Of course, if you still want to read my ramblings you can go to Four Bad Men: A Man Journal which is the blog of the house I just moved out of. I'm trying to maintain a fairly accurate list of all of the blogs in the Gateway blog-o-sphere there, so if you have one that you want added, just e-mail me.

So...

2006-04-30T01:01:00.000-06:00

Whatever I said about the end before, I think the real final cap to my Gateway career was tonight.

With the rain coming down, I needed to get home. Being remarkably impatient, I hit the button at the 107st crossing at Whyte Ave, but didn't bother to wait for the lights to change: as soon as I saw a clearing, I bolted across the Ave, towards safety, warmth and freshly changed bedsheets.

Little did I realize, however, that on the other side of the street was a police cruiser, surveying the Whyte territory. Noticing my extremely illicit street-cross, it followed me down 107st, turning into my alley to cut me off. What follows is a verbatim transcript of what happened after they cut me off at the pass, so to speak:

Me: Uh, hi there, what's up?
Police Officer (who I did not recognize, which will become important later): Well, it's David Berry, the writer.
Me: Uh, sorry? What do you mean?
Police Officer: Nothing, nothing. You were going awfully fast there, David.
Me: Well, I was trying to get inside. It's awfully cold outside, with the rain, and I don't want to get wet.
Police Officer: (laughing, because I'm obviously drunk) Oh, I see. Well, you just get home there, David.
Me: Uh, thanks, I will.
Police Officer: I used to go to university, I remember you.
Me: (running towards my apartment, because I honestly was cold and wet) Uh, thanks!

The moral of the story: my writing for the Gateway got me out of a jaywalking ticket. I guess it pays off, in the end. Also, fuck the police.

The end has no end...

2006-04-19T18:41:00.000-06:00

Some two and a half years ago I first came to the Gateway, a young, arrogant pup who had recently moved back in with his parents. I wrote two opinion articles, one on why marketing to youth was retarded, and one on John Lennon or something that just was retarded. It never ran.

Over time, I became more deeply involved. I started showing up on press nights, partly because I had long breaks between classes and lived very far away, and partly because I hated studying and was tired of wandering aimlessly through HUB Mall. I wrote mostly opinion (and I had a saucy headbox), but then, one day, I offered to make life easier for then-Sports Editor Joel Chury by doing the Sports in Briefs (that day was Thursday, October 9, 2003, for anyone curious as to the exact moment I got hooked on the Gateway). It was remarkably tame for some of the stuff I got away with later, but I remember hearing later that Joel needed to be convinced by the rest of the editorial staff to actually run it, as he was paranoid that the Athletics department would stop talking to him. I did something right, though, because several people commented on it, and one week later, Sports in Briefs got changed to The Pep Rally, and sort of became my column in the Sports section. In the Pep Rally's first week of existence, I mentioned my cousins (who played Pandas Rugby) and insulted then-EiC Chris Boutet's mother, despite not really knowing him, starting a trend of self-indulgence I would partake in frequently over my tenure at the paper, culminating (I believe) in my final opinion article.

Of course, what went into the paper was only a very minor part of my time here. I first learned how to copy edit when Boutet sat me down in the couch room and, in between me telling him how much I loved him, showing me the finer points of orphans, and instructing me to look for Hitler bombs. Not terribly long after I would spend nearly every Thursday either getting drunk in RATT with opinion/A&E volunteers or going to review plays/movies (occasionally both). I met Gateway legends like Neal Ozano, Collin Gallant, Mike Winters and Dave Alexander when, on one such Thursday, Chris and Kristine Owram abandoned me in Scholar's with the legendary foursome, where my drunk, 19-year-old self tried desperately to appear cool among them (Neal Ozano, for anyone that doesn't know him, is the most sarcastic man alive, which made things slightly tougher). Another time, I got stabbed in the head with a Swiss Army Knife after Kristine, Heather Adler and myself attempted to steal a wreath from the bus loop.

Then there were the après-press night parties. Joel Chury and Adam Rozenhart herbalized me, and then exposed me to more or less everything I find funny today: 24 Hour Party People, The Office, Space Ghost (lots of Space Ghost), and watching cats. I drove many times when I shouldn't have. I began to no longer fathom Monday and Wednesday without some kind of partying.

Then, came the Christmas party. Most of you weren't around in those days, but I became notorious at that party, in a performance I've probably never actually come close to repeating, despite some big efforts on my part (Boutet would later tell me the story of the person that shit themselves at a Gateway Christmas party, to assauge my guilt). I also finally asked out the girl I would date for 20 months or so, with a considerable helping of courage that did not generate from within. It was, looking back on it, one of the best nights I ever had at the Gateway.

The next semester was much like the first. I almost killed Heather and Kristine's fish when they went away to Nash, I dropped my first class because of the Gateway that February, and then, in March, I got to sit through my first hiring process. I was rightly sauced by the time the announcement came, but I still can't remember ever feeling more nervous. That sure was one of the happiest cigars I've ever smoked, though, and I made some pretty elated phone calls that night, too.

I went away to Europe for a summer, and I came back as opinion editor. I still remember the first time I walked into the office once I got back, actually feeling like a Gateway editor. I changed the phone message and started swearing at the scanner--I was pretty much in.

I can still remember the first time I met most of the new editors. I met Natalie on one of the first real days of school, and kept calling her other N-names, mostly Nancy and Nicole. This is why she doesn't write opinion. I met Amanda when we were both sitting at a volunteer-recruitment table in HUB, where it was discovered that I took the play review she wanted to do. I remember Adam strolling into an opinion meeting with a gigantic friggin' backpack. My first memory of Lilwall is up in RATT, with his Roughriders hat and a pint of beer. I made fun of him when he left early. I met Chloé because I (sort of) knew her friend Jessica, and within about two months of talking face-to-face, had shown semi-nude pictures of her to the News meeting, then got a voodoo doll put on my desk, which I still have somewhere (and was considering calling Campus 5-0 about, until Chloé came back and admitted it was her). I found Kendrick's first cartoon, Reservoir Koopas, uncommonly funny, and I also recall him bringing in a wax cast of his hand doing the Shocker, some small indication of what was to come, no doubt. I had actually known Matt from long before, as he was in some of my Philosophy classes (not that I talked to him). I knew him mostly as the guy who was always around Fong's desk (and a circ pal), and occasionally posed sexily. None of you compete with Paul, though, who came up to me at Orientation (with his name tag on the brim of his hat), and told me that he'd bend over for me in a second. Paul never had any trouble getting his articles in my section.

Somehwere in between all of that, I started writing for Vue, and got into a steady rhythm of drinking.

I got another job at the end of my opinion year, and spent the summer indoors far too often. We had a terrible slo-pitch team which was nonetheless exquisite fun (if only to see Iris get injured twice a game), and we had a few barbecues, too--one of which involved a game of ultimate frisbee that left me, as I remarked then, basically looking and feeling the most disgusting I've ever looked, covered with sweat, grass and watermelon. We had an editors' retreat that involved far too much excess, and another notch on the ol' embarrassing belt. And I couldn't actually drive the car home, because I couldn't think when I woke up that morning.

This year has been a blur. I've humped so many chairs, I get raw just thinking about it. Chloé, Chris and I got famously ripped and left inappropriate messages on everyone's phones (mostly Larocque ... and Jake), and woke up Iris at three in the morning to tell her that the paper was ruined because someone pissed on the plates. I've lead my share of percussion sessions, though I still don't have a drum kit, and the last part of the year has largely been devoted to rolling shit up in a really big ball and insulting Lilwall's relations over Mario Kart. I guess I helped put out a paper in there, too.

Today, I cleaned off my desk, changed my phone message, and sent out e-mails making sure everyone knows where they can reach me. I am, for all intents and purposes, no longer an editor, and as such am a bit of a foreigner in the office. In fact, even at the year-end party, where I normally thrive, it felt a little as though I was waiting on the platform, waving goodbye as the train slowly pulled away. So, I decided to say goodbye on the blog, with a rambling, indulgent post and a surprisingly apt Exploding Dog picture, entitled, "it's almost over."

So, yeah, before they kick me off this blog: so long there, newspaper. I was the Gateway. Or something like that.

Gateway love blossoms once more

2006-04-14T08:41:00.000-06:00

With spring comes love, and last night, one unlikely couple came together to give that love a chance. And though he usually only dates girls named Angela, and knowing full well that her sister bears that name, Ross decided to try something new and go on a date with Natalie.

When their skin touched, passion ignited, and young Rossy had to break the intense stare to catch his breath.

But Natalie's love was unwavering, and he came back to her, this time for good.

And then they skipped away.

Lazin around on press night

2006-04-12T21:41:00.000-06:00

They're famous for discount apparel!

2006-04-11T23:28:00.000-06:00

While I was wearing this shirt today, somebody approached me and exclaimed "Wow! You've been to Greece? What's it like?"

Sometimes, I weep for humanity.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-04-11T00:12:00.000-06:00

All twenty pages of it!!!!! Fucking TWENTY!!!! DONE!!!!

Mike joins the gong show

2006-04-06T01:36:00.000-06:00

I figure it is my time to join the ranks of those Gateway staffers who have chronicled their all-night essay writing marathon on the Gateway blog. This likely won't be as entertaining as the others have been, as I plan to actually work through most of the night, but I plan on at least updating this post to include my finishing time.

Update! Essay Completed: 4:18am

Aside from reading this over in the morning when I'm not hopped-up on Red Bull, it looks like I'm done. Despite not really being sure what I was talking about, it's a good feeling to be done the last real issue of the Gateway and, save for finals, be done my school projects as well. As Tim would say,it's a tasty treat.

See you all tomorrow.

Paper = GO!

2006-04-06T01:01:00.000-06:00

So, the paper didn't get out till 1am, which I think was the latest all year. Strange.

The Great White Hope

2006-04-03T22:53:00.000-06:00

The situation, such as it stands: with a broken down computer and a 12:30 deadline looming for not one but two unfinished papers, I have shut myself into the Gateway office, the only place available to me, to write said papers. In an effort to procrastinate that does not involve looking at porn on work computers, I have decided to keep a log of my efforts (an idea stolen from Chris Boutet, though his years-old post is available nowhere; good for me, because it's probably better than this).

Presented, for your amusement, how I wrote 10 pages of essay in just over 12 hours.

10:45pm: Finished reading the book I must write a reader response to, Flashforward. It is contemptible shit of the first rank, which should make the response easy enough. A sample line: "His hand had been lying on the tabletop. Suddenly he felt Michiko's hand touching his, patting its back affectionately. 'Why, thank you,' she said. He did look at her and she was smiling. 'That's the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.'
She took back her hand ... but not for a few more delicious seconds."
I shant go in to the gaping logical holes present in the novel yet, but that's an example of the 300 pages of prose I just slogged through.

Adding an interesting element to this endeavour, I just realized I forgot my office/elevator keys at home, meaning if I leave the floor, I can never come back. There is water, though. Delicious water. And a fridge. It's mostly filled with condiments.

Page count, Essay 1: 6 (of 10)
Page count, Essay 2: 0 (of 5)

12:22am I made a foray to the bathroom, leaving the office door open, so as I could get back in. Near as I can tell, nothing is missing. The reader response piece is done; it turns out, essentially reviewing things is quite easy when you have made it your job. I worry I may be too over the top in my criticism, but frankly, this is what Robert Sawyer gets for making me read that piece of shit. I'll bet, someday, he'll read this little essay of mine and cry himself to sleep over the linguistic savagery I have inflicted upon his flat, plot-device characters! HA!

Now, of course, the shitty part: despite my biggest hopes, the people at my mac dealer (that's its name, I'm not just calling it my mac dealer) have failed to e-mail the other half of my important, hard essay, meaning I get to rewrite it from memory. This isn't helped by the fact the first half was clearly the superior half, as well. C'est la vie. I will procrastinate for at least 15 more minutes by checking/writing e-mail.

The cleaning guys are in the office now. Their complete and utter silence, save for the swoosh of the broom, is disconcerting.

Page Count, Essay 1: 6 (of 10)
Page Count, Essay 2: 5 (of 5)—fin

Update on the cleaning staff: man do they do a half-assed job. They don't even move the chairs to mop the floor (or mop underneath them, for that matter). You know what their generation lacks? Heart, that's what.

1:41am You know, everyone talks about deals with the Devil like they're such a bad thing. At the moment, if his hoary host himself popped up and offered me the first part of my essay back, no questions asked, I'd sign his stupid paper. I'm also going to throw this out there: first person to give me a backrub the next time I'm in the office, I'm going to buy you some dinner. Now, I don't expect to have to ask, I just want you to come in, stand beside me, and lay at least a ten-minute massage on my shoulders. For that, dinner. Fair deal, folks. Fair deal.

At the moment, though, I could use a hug. Even virtually. But mostly physically. And maybe nakedly.

Page Count, Essay 1: 8 (of 10)
Page Count, Essay 2: 5 (of 5)—fin

1:53am The cleaning guy is back, this time cleaning out the paper recycling. I am suspicious. (Though, as an aside, this does mean it's entirely empty, if anyone were so inclined as to deposit one incoming A&E editor of miniscule size therein.) I also just checked our fantasy hockey pool, in which I am playing Dan for the league championship. I'm currently down 4-2, though that's partly because he has a goalie start, whereas I don't. The fact that his goalie dropped a GAA under 1 and a SV% of .964, though, is disconcerting. I hope Detroit gets shelled, a lot, over the next few weeks. No progress on the paper.

3:17am NHL 2006 has briefly distracted me. There has been progress on the paper, though not in terms of actual pages. On the plus side, both the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and the St. Louis Blues now know my wrath. And really, if you think about, doesn't the NHL have an awful lot to do with a feminist utopia? I'm not even awake enough to try to make that a coherent argument. I will be done this paper by four. Well, 4:30. Certainly not past five.

Page Count, Essay 1: 8 (of 10)
Page Count, Essay 2: 5 (of 5)--fin

3:52am Ha! Ha ha! Done! Prediction correct. Now, this paper is undoubtedly not as good as it would have been had I had my original draft (example: in the first, I used the phrase "indigenous androgynes" at some point; I tried to fit that in again, but I couldn't work it--my brilliance has disappeared with the morning light), but it is, nonetheless, done. And probably worth a B-ish. Though I don't want to jinx it. Frankly, I'll be happy to pass. This whole experience probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Though, having said that, it is almost 4am, and I'm sitting in the Gateway office still. I may sleep here; depends on if I have the strength to get home. There's nothing for me at home, of course--my computer isn't there. Having said that, home is distinctly not here. Here where weird noises are making me paranoid. And this post unfunny.

All right, I'm done. The university career marches on, relatively unabated. The backrub offer still stands.

Page Count, Essay 1: 10 (of 10)—fin
Page Count, Essay 2: 5 (of 5)—fin

Life is beautiful.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-04-03T22:08:00.000-06:00

Done!

So long, suckers my friends

2006-04-02T18:55:00.000-06:00

A little while back, you may recall, I promised a post detailing my feelings for the News section, which I will shortly be leaving forever. Well, my apologies/compliments (as you prefer), but that post won't be coming.

It's not that I don't love her very dearly, but rather that ours is such a special love that none of you could possibly be expected to understand it. Suffice it to say that, while I still can't figure out why I applied for the Senior News job, I'm glad I did, and I'm proud to say that, looking back on the goals I had coming into the year, I pretty much achieved or made significant progress on all of them. (Plus, as a bonus, I've seen the traditional gender imbalance in the section improve substantially. I'm not sure why, but I'm taking credit.)

So why am I posting then, you ask? Because, I answer, this is the end. As part of my ongoing degatewayification process, I've decided that it's best for me to move on from this blog a little ahead of schedule and leave it to the next generation of perverts. I'll keep reading, and posting sarcastic comments, but this shall be my last post here. Dan/Matt, you're free to remove me from the contributors (for Einfahrtphotographen too, actually).

It's not the end of Jake's blogging, though. Oh my, no. I will now be turning my attentions to my personal blog, Plain, simple Jake. From now on, whenever I have witty and insightful thoughts about matters of great importance, I'll continue to keep them to myself. But when I want to share some obscure joke, or describe how awesome my t-shirt is, Plain, simple Jake will be where it ends up. I hope to see you there.

In conclusion: And the horse you rode in on.

With deep love,

Jake

Well that's a relief

2006-04-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

After the events of today I have to say that I'm a bit relieved. Since the incoming staff isn't incoming anymore, it allows me to pass along my bad news with more ease.

Both myself and GSJS chair of the board Adam Rozenhart along side the rest of the board have decided that this whole newspaper thing isn't working out and thus, effective 11:59:59pm tonight, the GSJS will no longer be publishing the Gateway student newspaper. All current employees should have their desks cleared no later than the cease of operations (that's, like, three hours from now so get moving buckos).

"Now, Dan, what the hell?" you're probably saying, "where did this come from?" Well, here is the logic of the board's decision. they were tired of not getting paid, and decided to pass an amendment allowing for a small honoraria. This small amount of money unfortunately exceeded the amount needed to effectively run the paper and we decided that we needed to prioritize.

Don't worry though. There are plenty of opportunities on campus for student journalists. You could work a Folio or Express News or the Independent.

I hope this doesn't come as too much of a shock; I mean really, do you think I'd allow a picture of K-Fed humping a pregnant Brit if I didn't think the paper was going down in flames? Seriously.

No more Matt

2006-04-01T16:26:00.001-07:00

Matt Frehner
Subject: my resignation
Date: April 1, 2006 4:19:41 PM MST (CA)

Hello fellow editors,

This morning I received a number of personal e-mail from incoming-editors, expressing a variety of reasons that they'll be unable to work for me next year. Though some of them came as a relief, it has forced me to think hard about my own position at the paper, and whether I am capable to lead a group of young editors next year. Obviously, such a mass exodus signals but one thing: there is something about me, either personally or professionally, that new editors find repulsive. Until I've done a bit of soul searching, I don't feel it wise to continue on my path as next year's editor-in-chief. This is a bit of an unique situation, which is why I am e-mailing you all today. The first of May is fast approaching, and to begin the new year without an eic would be disastrous to say the least. I am opening the floor to suggestions, as I am at a loss.

Frankly, I feel my position has been undermined. To next year's staff, I say: I've taken your message to heart. I will not be involved in the newspaper until I've done a lot of hard thinking about my life and my actions as a human being. As a final note, I don't believe it is appropriate for me to continue as Photo Editor either, given the effective non-confidence vote I've received. I trust, with only two issue left, production should flow smoothly despite my absence. The combination for the film drop-box is 19-24-11. There should be photos in it for the feature, as well as film of the 5-0 vs. Listerites Hockey match.

All this aside, I'd like to say that I've enjoyed working with you all, and that I trust next year will run fantastically in my absence. I hold no personal grudges, and hope to see some of you around campus in the next year, or later on along the path of life.

Sincerely,

Matt Frehner

Mass Exodus

2006-04-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

Subject: Hey
Amanda
Sat, April 1, 2006 3:20 am

Hey Matt,

I hope your evening went well. I know mine did. Anyway, I know I've been acting strange lately, and it's because I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last little while. I really wanted to talk to you in person about this, but tonight wasn't the best night, and I just want to get this out in the open. Basically, as you know, my boyfriend has decided to stay in France for another year. I've been going out with him for 4 1/2 years, so this is kind of the make/break point in our lives. At first I was really angry and I thought I would break up with him, but basically what it's come down to is that I don't think I can.
Sometimes decisions need to be made and chances need to be taken. So, after a lot of deliberating in my head, I think I'm going to move to France with him for the next year. I don't know how to say this, and I really don't want this to seem like I'm unappreciative, but sacrifices need to be made and unfortunately I think I'll have to resign from my Gateway position. I'm really, really sorry about this. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the team next year, and it really makes me sad to think about leaving it. It's just that I have two very important things to decide between, and decisions aren't always easy.
Again, I'm really sorry. I do hope to come back the next year, and hopefully I might be able to find a spot on the team once again. Arg, it's just so hard to explain this on e-mail, and I probably shouldn't even be telling this to you here. Do you think you could call me tomorrow? My cell is 707-****. I just want to be able to tell you in person so you know I'm not being a bitch or anything. Again, I'm really really sorry for this. You have no idea how bad I feel. I'm so caught between the two things I love. Anyway, I'll stop babbling because it probably makes no sense and you really can't understand how I feel right now. So, yeah, hopefully you'll get a chance to call me.

Amanda

Subject: a little problem
Paul
Sat, April 1, 2006 11:20 am

Hey Matt,

So I was talking to the admissions and awards people from Carleton this morning (one of the benefits of sleeping in your own bed is that you have an alarm clock and the ability to make long distance phone calls), and we were discussing my scholarship offer. They are unwilling to defer it for a year, and though they appreciate the experiece of being on the Gateway, it also won't weigh as much as my marks do, and apparently from what Dave, Chris and Chloe have told me, the Gateway is the gateway to failure, and Miss Christine Charles was unable to guarantee I'd get in next year.
If that weren't enough, she also upped the ante on me today by offering me free on-campus housing and a meal plan if I were to attend their journalism school this coming fall. I guess they really want me there. Then again you probably really want me here. That's what makes this so hard. I love the Gateway, and was so excited to work there with you, but I don't think I can turn down a huge opportunity like this, especially not when the carrot being dangled in front of me is so large. I wanted to call you to tell you this, but I realized I didn't have your number, so this will have to do: I'm so sorry Matt, but I'm going to have to resign my position as Sports Editor for the 2006/07 year. It's only in interest of fairness to you, The Gateway, Carleton and my family that I made the decision so quickly, but don't take that to mean I didn't put a lot of thought into this. I did. It kinda hurt.

--
Paul

Subject: Important
Scott
Sat, April 1, 2006 12:03 pm

Matt,

This is a pretty difficult e-mail to write and I’ve got a lot that needs to be done today, so I’m just going to get right in to it.

I’m not sure if you heard about my dad. He’s pretty sick and was in Saskatoon this weekend to get a blockage removed from his kidney. I just got a call from my sister this morning. It seems that the surgery went well, but a lot of damage was already done. He is going to need a few more surgeries and twenty-four hour care over the next couple of years, and it is going to be a long time before he is back on his feet.

I’ve been talking with my mother since I got the call, and I’ve taken a look at my finances. I’m afraid I’m going to have to move back to Lloyd. My parents aren’t going to be able to work, and my sister is starting at Grant Mac in the fall. I’d love to stay with the Gateway, and was so looking forward to this year. I’d be with you guys if I could. It just comes down to finances. I can’t afford to stay in Edmonton.

I’ll be around this week if you want to talk about it. I know this is a lot to drop on you so suddenly, but I thought I should let you know as soon as I could. You guys are an amazing group, and I will do my best to come to town every once and a while to visit. And hopefully, if things sort themselves out, I’ll find my way back to Edmonton and the
Gateway.

I’ll be packing all day, so drop me an e-mail. Thanks.

-Scott

Subject: Potentially Bad News...
Mike
Sat, April 1, 2006 12:36 pm

Hey Matt,

I'm not really sure where to begin on this without boring you with the inane details of my personal life, but the fact of the matter is, I've got some potentially bad news for you. It turns out that my plans to move into the city have suddenly fallen apart on a number of levels. Scott's told me that he has to go back to Lloyd, leaving us with an unfillable spot. As well, apparently my parents have been having second thoughts on the whole matter too, being the overprotective types, and have decided that they'd much rather have me living at home for now. Seeing as how they're my primary financial source at the moment, this doesn't really leave me with much of a choice. On top of this, mom wasn't too happy with the fact that I've had to cut down my courseload for the year, since she's got this idea in her head that everyone has to finish University in 4 years, no exceptions.
What does this all mean? Well, this is the part where you come in. I really hate to drop a bombshell like this on you, but I don't think this editor position is going to work out for me this year. Taking any more than 3 courses is likely to drive me absolutely insane with the work required by the job, and considering that the Production editor has to stick around the office until the very end on every press night, it just isn't practical, let alone safe, for me to be commuting back to Clareview at midnight twice each week.
I'm really sorry about this, Matt. If circumstances were different, I'd be more than willing to make due and do the job, but unfortunately, it just won't work out this way. I hate to pull out at this stage in the game. We've got a really great editorial squad this year, and I hope that this won't strike a major blow to my reputation as a volunteer -- which I still plan to do.
Once again, I'm sorry bro. I'll be at work all evening, but if you need to get a hold of me, feel free to email.

Mike

Subject: My neck hurts and I hate Tim
Chloé
Sat, April 1, 2006 12:37 pm

Matt,

I am having the shittiest day. I thought I should e-mail you and get this off my chest so I could get back to writing yet another essay. I know I've said it before, but taking three classes was a huge mistake. I want to talk to the kids coming in next year and encourage them to take two at the most, maybe I'll even show them my D. I know I've been kind of joking about it, but I'm actually pretty upset at the state of my academic career. I'm hoping that over the next couple of weeks I will be able to pull things together. I hate the thought that working at the Gateway is screwing over my ability to pull off a degree. I feel like I have tunnel vision for the paper, and meeting the deadlines—and by deadlines I mean production deadlines—becomes the most important thing. I don't know what I'm trying to say; I guess I'm rambling in written format.

Anyway, like I said, I have a lot of work to get done today and tomorrow, but I think we should sit down and have a talk on Monday about next year. Things have been really rowdy around the office lately, and though I think it's kind of fun, it also makes me feel like what I'm doing is a waste of time. I'm not the kind of person to take myself too seriously, and I know I've contributed to some stupidity this year—like the Stomp sessions and some computer scat-porning—but in the end, the reason I came to the Gateway was to write. And I have written lots, but I'm starting to have doubts about, well, I'm not even sure. There's a great team coming in next year, and I think they'll do an awesome job, but I guess I'm just starting to doubt myself.

I just needed to get my concerns off my chest. Thanks for listening (reading) to my incoherent ramble, and I hope we can find some time to talk on Monday. Until then, I'll be staring at the blank word document in front of me, willing it to be filled with intelligent A-worthy words. Bah! I feel like I'm going to explode, but not a good explosion, a bad one. And my neck hurts from when Tim tried to drown me in the hot tub. I HATE him. I'm glad I went to the party last night but I feel kind of guilty for prioritizing fun over my degree. And it doesn't help that my mom keeps on lecturing me about it. She thought one year at the Gateway was enough, and was pretty disappointed that I decided to continue with the whole thing. Mothers. She asked me what a managing editor did the other day. I wasn't sure what to answer. I need some coffee.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Bye for now,

Chloé

Subject: News Briefs briefly...
Natalie
Sat, April 1, 2006 12:43 pm

Hey Matt,
as you already know I've been offered the opportunity to study in at the Università di Napoli, Italy at the Facoltà di Lettere e Filosofia for a year. While I initially thought I would turn it down to work at the Gateway I have since changed my mind. When my parents got home from Arizona this morning we had a long chat about my decision and while working at the Gateway would be a great opportunity for a year or two I need to think about the long term course of my academic career. I love studying languages and I really don't want to turn this down. I was afraid to pullout of my commitment at the Gateway before but talking to other editors this past week it seems I'm not the only one who can no longer fulfill their duties and I have to admit that made me feel a little less guilty. I know that this puts you in a horrible position but I'm sure you can understand how it is impossible for me to turn this down!! I'd be taken courses directed towards a laurea in lingue, culture e letterature moderne europee and by doing this I'll be far more likely to get into a good masters program in Europe! You have every right to be mad at me but I hope we can meet in person to talk about this later this week. You can also call me at home: 454-**** if you would like to speak to me today.
Talk to you later,
Natalie
P.S for more information on the program please see:
http://www.lettere.unina.it/

Subject: Next Year...
Adam
Sat, April 1, 2006 1:01 pm

Hey,

I'm not sure exactly how to tell you this, so I guess I'll just do it via email. I know that I have already told you that my schedule for next year is set, but some unforeseen difficulties have just come up.
Specifically, it turns out that in order for me to have any chance of getting into grad school, I will need an Honours degree in English (as it stands, I'm not in Honours, just "regular" English). After meeting with an advisor, it turns out that it's not too late for me to backtrack and get an Honours degree.

The problem, however, is that this will entail me graduating with extra credits (you need to take WAY more credits in your subject for Honours; basically, you just don't have a minor), meaning I will need to take 4 (four) classses per semester next year, not 2 (two), as I had originally planned. And to top that off, I will of course need to write an Honours thesis as well...

What this means, basically, is that, well, it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to work for the Gateway next year after all... I
really should have told this to your face first, but, being a writer, I guess emailing you was just easier... But of course, now that you've read this, you can give me a call on my cell at 964-**** and we can talk about this a bit more.

Sorry to drop such a bomb on you at this point. I feel that my training has been going really well, and I was really looking forward to next year. That said, I know there were a lot of applicants for the Opinion position, so I'm sure that it's not too late for you to find a suitable replacement (a process which I'm certainly willing to help you with).

So yeah, email me back or give me a call, and we can talk. Sorry again for the short notice, and for whatever inconvenience this may cause you.

-Adam

Major Announcement

2006-03-31T16:33:00.000-07:00

Friends, well-wishers and others,

It has come to my attention that, as per the Green Party of Canada's constitution, a leadership race will be held over the summer, culminating in August. This revelation led me to several seconds of deep thought, and I've come to a decision.

Accordingly, I would now like to announce my candidacy for the leadership of the Green Party of Canada.

There is, however, a catch: the party requires a $2000 registration fee from applicants, and, well, I don't have $2000. This is where you come in. I need to raise the registration fee, and then a few thousand more to run my campaign. I know it goes without saying that it's in the best interests of all of you for me to lead the Green Party, so I hope you'll find it in your hearts and wallets to give. Please contact me and ask about the various ways you can help.

For a better Canada,

Jake Troughton

I will bite your ankles

2006-03-31T00:17:00.000-07:00

As of today, it has come to my attention that I am very small. It was sort of like an epiphany, or a rude awakening of sorts. Anyway, you see, somewhere within the cavernous abode of my unconscious being, I have always known that I'm different from other University students, but it wasn't until this fine eve that I fully understood my dehabilitating impairment. Sure, when I was in Junior High, the kids would pick me up and put me in hot garbage cans filled with steaming waste. Sometimes they would even shove me into a locker, lock it, and wait for a teacher to retrieve the janitor's cutters so that I could be released me from my prison.

I thought those days were over, but I was sadly mistaken.

Over the last few weeks, I've been picked on nearly as much as I was in Junior High. I've had a number of chairs pulled out from beneath me, a handful of emails blamed on my devious ways, and my body picked up by many people, either to be swung around like a shot-put or to be placed in the recycle bin. Sure, it's all fun and games; I laughed, and I felt as though we all bonded. However, I never thought people would be so cruel as to really rub my defect into my face. Today, Dave placed me in the recycle bin once again. Then Mike decided to shake me and roll me around while I was inside. I was scared. Scared for my life. I couldn't escape the depths of the opaque plastic cylinder, and when the bullies saw my struggle, they attempted to drag me into the elevator and send me up to RATT. It was not funny.

As a result, I'm just going to say that I stand strong, and that I hope my housemates will march beside me. Go ahead, you Gateway ruffians; take your best shot. The gloves were off earlier, but now, I'm putting on some form-fitting velvet gauntlets. And underneath those mighty hand garments are two tiny fists of iron.

Newspaper = Go!

2006-03-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

Clean the fucking microwave!

2006-03-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

This message is directed to Jake.

Newspaper = Go!

2006-03-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

Nuts to Regina, we went sledding!

2006-03-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Well, this happened before Regina, but most of you noodleheads still missed out!

Update

2006-03-27T01:06:00.000-07:00

My time here did indeed end with fewer penises than it began. Not zero, though.

Roadtrip to Regina!!!

2006-03-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

Seven of us Gateway folk (Matt, Dan, Scott, Ross, Natalie, Chloe, and Amanda) crammed our newspapery minds and bodies into a red minivan (aptly named Astar: From the planet danger) this weekend and headed on the road to Regina. Here's a log of some of the wild happenings.

11:30am -- Leave Edmonton. The three girls take over the bench seat in the back, while Scott and Ross maintain the buffer zone. A buffer zone was definitely needed. Ask them later.

11:45am -- Amanda talks to Kieran, the rest of passengers believe it to be phone sex. That assumption is quickly deflated.

12:35pm -- Almost reach Vegreville. A debate ensues regarding whether we should see giant egg. Chloe and Natalie talk about having babies. Natalie wants eight. Chloe wants to be a breeder and sell hers. Natalie's children are going to be warriors.

12:40pm -- Vegreville. Danny wants a blizzard from DQ. Badly. Try to get into DQ parking lot and find out it's too small and it sucks. Chloe pretends to study. Danny is voted to play retarded so we can park in the handicapped stall.

1:00 -- Talk of hetero/homosexuality. Amanda says we're all ambiguous. Rest of van disagrees.

Talk of fucking and if girls can fuck. Chloe asks, "Have you ever been penetrated?" to the front of the van. No one responds.

1:01 -- Awkward silence. Then Dan says, "You're mangling words." Matt responds, "They're journalists; that's what they do."

1:13 -- Discussion of what "Drop it like it's hot" means. What does it mean?

1:14 -- Ross didn't date Natalie's sister Angela, and Natalie says he never will. We all agree that he needs to move on to another name.

1:25 -- Licorice falls on ground. Chloe eats one (not knowing), and then spits it out when she discovers dirt on it. People do bad things in these cars, Amanda says. Dan says it's a new van, so there's been no fornication in it yet. Ross says we need to break the van in. I suggest a gang bang. End of conversation.

1:45 -- Dan wants to be a child gun when he grows up. Matt talks about fucking up as EIC in the upcoming year.EDIT: I said, in response to Natalie saying she wanted lots of kids (like eight), that she would be a "child gun."-dan

2:00 -- Iris, we miss you. We're singing Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69" for you.

2:05 -- Commence watching The Office

2:32 -- Chloe and Amanda fall asleep watching The Office

2:45 -- Dan: "Look at this! We're in the ghetto!!!!! (aka Saskatchewan)

5:00 -- We've forgot to record the happenings, and we've forgotten what has happened since.

5:01 -- Ross gets us lost and there is no hospital to guide us.

5:12 -- Chair dancing and singing to Metric. Scott continues to do Satan's Stats assignment.

5:25 -- We ask Matt if he has any Werthers' Original. He responds, "No."

5:40 -- Matt on changing the song on the iPod: "I wasn't even touching it with my finger."

5:41 -- Ross: "That guy just came...right up my ass...Well, he did...and so did that guy behind him."

5:42 -- Dan: "My wrist is getting tired."

5:50 -- Girls commence head banging to Joan Jett. Chloe says it smells like Pantene in the backseat because of it.

6:00 -- The Doors are streaming through the radio. Natalie spills a secret. So does Amanda, but no one hears hers, thankfully.

6:05 -- Consumption of nuts and cupcakes. This is where the log ends...for now, bitches!

This is the end; my only friend, the end

2006-03-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

On January 3, 2004, I stepped into Clare Drake Arena as a reporter for the first time. the Bears won 6–0 that night—pretty much setting the tone for the next two years of my life, now that I think about it—and afterward, I got my first chance to visit the lockerroom for post-game interviews.

It was horrifying. I didn't know what to ask, and struggled for minutes on end to come up with the most clichéd questions. I didn't know who anyone was. The smell was disgusting. I saw far more penises than I'd been prepared for. It was, in short, not fun.

But then I wrote the article. It was ... well, looking back on it now, it wasn't very good. But at the time, it seemed pretty impressive. It was fun to write, it was a more interesting read than my news or A&E or opinion stories, and odours/penises aside, watching hockey for a story was a lot more appealing than talking to hacks (although JLo was pretty cool). I wanted more. I didn't realize just how much more I would get.

Over the next year and a half, there was precisely one Gateway sports section I wasn't involved with. Within a month, I'd found my niche with the Pandas hockey beat. Within two months, I'd been hired to be sports editor, and the section I wrote for last had officially taken over my life.

There've been many good times since then—with the highlight, pretty unquestionably, being last week when I was booed by the team I'd faithfully covered for two-and-a-half seasons. (Also, the penis-to-story ratio has thankfully dropped significantly, even if you only count the stories about men's teams). I've become a better sports fan, a better writer, and a better person.

And now I've come full circle: as I scour the University Cup for a good story this weekend, it will be the last event I cover for Gateway Sports.

That excites me a lot. It scares me a little. But it also makes me just a little bit sad. I've got a lot out of that section—enough that I'm ready to move on, and enough that it's time to, but it's still going to feel weird to leave. I've given a lot to it, too. I know we're both better off for me having been around, and that feels pretty good. Still, the section has grown dear to me. I'm going to miss it.

So forgive me if I seem a bit wistful this weekend. It's the end of a pretty important era for me, after all. Now, all that's left is to hope there's some significance to the fact that the last press box I enter as a Gateway writer will be at Rexall Place. And, of course, that my time here will end with far fewer penises than it began.

Newspaper = Done

2006-03-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

10:30!

Newspaper=Go!

2006-03-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

You're going to read it in tomorrow's paper. But I'll tell you this anyway: She's the Man is surprisingly not as retarded as I expect. Even though the guys do not wear shirts for the first half of the movie.

Wines should always be drunk objectionably, or you're liable to end up with a nifty stomach

2006-03-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss Chloe

You may not recall my snow, but I met you at the slimy cocktail party given by our friend John. We had a blue-ish talk about creamy trucks, and I was impressed by your soapy conversation and your grasp of the congested situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your hairy eyes, your raw little chin, and your yellow teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming tempting, I was fascinated by your sceptical walk and by your long figure. I hope I made a shiny impression and that we can get together for a nice ketchup next week.

Quickly yours,

Jake

Newspaper = Go!

2006-03-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

Official word from the powers-that-be: we're done!

And now for something completely different...

Gateway Fresh Prince

2006-03-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

EiC, gentleman lover, all round nice-smelling guy. Here's a more accurate picture of your captain. Click to enlarge and set it as your computer's wallpaper.

Also, we're=done.

P.S. The time stamp of this post implies that we're not done till 12:06 when we were, in fact, done by 11:45. It took me 20 minutes to find and post Fresh's visage.

It's worth it.

The New Editards

2006-03-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

The New Editards (continued)

2006-03-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

Aww yee-ah, 2006/07!

2006-03-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

Let this mark the first official post of the 2006/07 Editorial team, or as it's tentatively known, the Lonestar Incandescent Cosmonauts: Phase I. May our reign be fruitful and full of fruit.

Also, I love what's about to happen in this photo.

Newspaper=Go!

2006-03-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

This shirt just screams MIKE!

Also, we're done.

Newspaper=Go!

2006-03-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

We're late this time and it's totally Lettner's fault.

Ooops ... does this mean we'll have to print an apology and write a news story about this tomorrow? Dayum!

Danny needs our help/mixtape fun

2006-03-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

My brother is currently stationed in Korea, where he's destroying their culture by teaching their young children English. He's made a request of me and a few of his friends and I think it's our duty to support our boys overseas. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

> >Hey everyone. What it is (said with a raised fist).
> >I've got a question for you guys. I have a friend here in Seoul who's never
> >really listened to pop music and I'm trying to make some cd's for her that
> >will help her catch up on all that she's missed over the course of her 26
> >music deprived years.
> >
> >So the question for you is, what are the most important/influential/really
> >good albums released in the last 2 and a half decades, or; if you hadn't
> >listened to any pop music for the last 26 years, what would you be most
> >pissed about missing out on?
> >
> >If anyone mentions Calloway (I wanna be rich), I'll be a very happy guy.
>>peace

newspaper=Go!

2006-02-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Does a sea turtle have anything to do with our spectacularly tight finish?

No.

Highlight of my vacation (via MS Paint)

2006-02-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Like Dave and Chloé, I went to the States during my reading week. But unlike Dave and Chloé, I went to Hawaii, which was sunny and warm and full of Japanese people (well, Honolulu was full of Japanese tourists. Most of them, not surprisingly, did not care for the Pearl Harbour memorial. They'd rather spend their time in one of the many Louis Vuitton stores). While I didn't eat any fancy cupcakes or visit the United Nations or read the latest Village Voice (btw: one you MUST have brought back a copy, right?), I did go snorkeling in Molokini crater, which is the crater of a long dead volcano half sumberged in the ocean. I have to say that's pretty cool, too.

I also snorkeled in this other spot called turtle town. I saw a turtle. And then I touched it. Also very exciting. Despite what the name might imply, I only saw one sea turtle. So it's really not much of a "town."

Finally, my face now looks like a reverse racoon face thanks to the snorkeling mask and the sun's UV rays.

Magnolia Bakery, bitch

2006-02-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

Cupcakes: One of the many joys New York has to offer. There was also a bakery bouncer to make sure things didn't get too rowdy.

I'm pretty sure

2006-02-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure the English version of the official Torino 2006 site uses Babelfish to translate:

Saturday, February 25, at 20 in the Medals Plaza, Canada will be the one to climb the highest step of the men’s curling podium of the Torino 2006 Olympic Winter Games. The final day of the Olympic tournament started with the final match for the bronze won by USA against the outgoing champions: Great Britain. Then the grand finale with Canada’s victory against Finland that conquers well-deservedly the gold medal with a net result of: 10-4.

And on a related note: Brad Gushue's last rock in the sixth end was an embarrassment to the country. What kind of loser throws a draw to the rings too far? He should be ashamed.

A note to Canada's Olympic men's hockey team

2006-02-23T01:02:00.000-07:00

It is, in fact, possible to win a gold medal without scoring (see last year's Women's World Championship final), but doing so requires that you also not let the other team score. For this reason and others, it is generally not recommended as a strategy.

Beards: they grow on you

2006-02-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

I’m about four days in now, and the beard is sort of coming along. I’m not too disappointed with the results, although as you can see from the pictures, the moustache still worries me. It wasn’t a pleasant sight during the moustache contest, so I was already anxious about its reappearance when I started the beard. I’m hoping that as the beard progresses, the extent to which my moustache sucks will fade into the rest of the facial hair. The real problem is going to be the hair connecting the moustache to the beard. I’ve never been able to grow much there, but I’ve also never put in a sustained effort. Come Sunday, that area could be the deciding factor on whether or not I keep the beard. Updates to come …

Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular? Cause … cause of all the magic tricks?

2006-02-18T02:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, it’s time I joined the ranks of great men with beards. I figure that if I give it a go over reading week, I should know by next Sunday if this is a good idea or not. Updates to come …

The game will never be the same

2006-02-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

Final score from the women's hockey semifinal in Torino:

Sweden 3
USA 2 (SO)

I told you they could do it, Dave and Steve.

Kim Martin is pretty much the greatest hero ever, with Maria Rooth close behind. That was fucking awesome.

The game will never be the same

2006-02-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

I sat down today to play a game of Tetris; over the last couple of days I've been playing a lot. 90 minutes later, I had exhausted every challenge that this game could throw at me. I stopped looking at my score once I cracked 10,000. I was surprised to see the levels jump so quickly: level 7 turned into 10; 10 turned into 17, then 26. By the end, I had an even 17,000 points and made it to level 34. The proof is in the hazy picture, which, if you focus in, you can kind of make out. It's definitely five digits, and I think I had over 500 lines--though I could be wrong on that. It sort of looks like 300 or so. Either way, I'm going to try and go cold turkey on this thing and just walk away from the game I've dominated so ferociously over the last few months.

When my days at the Gateway are done, I want future writers to remember this post and this historic day.

"Chris O'Leary? He was the Michael Jordan of Tetris."

That's what I want them to say about me.

The Gateway Purity Test

2006-02-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

For all of you who read this blog and aren't from the U of A area. (That would be CUPPIES exclusively I think), you may not know that the Gateway has just ran its 2006 purity test. Click the link above to take the test and post your scores below!

NOTE: If you've taken the test already, the first question "Have you ever lied? (1pt)" was omitted from the online version until yesterday. Because the subsequent four questions didn't make sense otherwise, this has the ability to affect your score by up to seven (or 57 if you've lied to CSIS). Be aware of that and update your score as you will.

Newspaper = GO!

2006-02-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

Despite the mammoth size of the paper, we finished well ahead of our deadline at 11:11pm.

SEXY!

Amendment (12:15) - due to some trouble with the placement of the 10x12 colour Roger's ad, it turns out the latter part of the features section was totally laid out wrong. Since it took me 30 minutes to fix that, the pdfs technically didn't get to the printers until now.

So combine that with a 44-page paper, and 3 flats of colour, no way in hell will the paper appear at the SUB loading dock before 11:00am.

I'll bet you a dashboard hula girl for that!

Newspaper=Go!

2006-02-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

Though we finished well ahead of the deadline, I bet the paper will still be all fucked up thanks to the Final Destination III press photo on page 11. Boo. Hiss.

On an interesting note, when I was exporting the A&E pages into pdfs, I noticed that Kris Lemche was in Final Destination III. Since Mr Lemche used to have a steady job appearing as "cute boy God" in Joan of Arcadia, I find this to be a hilarious, yet soul-crushing, career downturn.

But then again, how can you beat "cute boy God?"

Chris hates Bon Jovi

2006-02-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

The location was Holiday Inn on King in Toronto. Mike, the auteur of the video, has a cameo near the end.

Also, Newspaper = GO!

Give and take

2006-02-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

The good news for all y'all: Eating lots of red meat can alter your DNA.

The bad news: The changes won't give you super powers so much as bowel cancer.

Newspaper=Go!

2006-02-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

done!

Then Dan went home and ate tortellini.

It's all over!

2006-02-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

At precisely 6:52pm Dave Berry quit the "cleansing diet" that both he and Chloé (who dropped out last night) had been on since Saturday. Indeed, they managed to last a fair while, but having called their idea stupid since the beginning, I'm now declaring them both "the biggest losers."

The In-N-Out 100x100 burger

2006-01-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

100 patties. 100 slices of processed cheese. Exactly the sort of thing that Chloé and Dave will not be eating in the next ten days.

Also, Newspaper=GO!

The Master Cleanse: Day Two

2006-01-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

Well, despite numerous warnings and suspicious looks, the cleanse continues to go okay. My laxative tea has kept my bowel movements regular, the lemonade mix actually tastes pretty good, and hunger pangs are controllable if you moderate your drink intake. I've experienced no nausea, dizzyness, headaches or hairy tongue. People seem to claim I'm a bit shorter with them, but I don't think I'm any more cantankerous than normal.

That said, every time I see or smell food, I want to eat it. So, once again, the brief list of things I've wanted to eat so far today:

Pasta with marinara sauce
A feta-and-spinach pizza
Anchovies
A Peanut Butter sandwich
Salami
A Marco's Famous donair (even though I promised myself I wouldn't eat another one)
Meatballs!
Rice
Edo Sukiyaki beef
Peppers
Pyrogy
Iris' Chicken and Leek Wrap
Cashews

The list of things I've wanted to eat today

2006-01-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

An omelette
A Wendy's Jr Bacon Cheeseburger
Oodle Noodle Box's Vermecilli Box
The salami sandwich I had in Toronto
Meatloaf
Garlic Mashed Potatoes
A Granola Bar (this one I don't get)
Spinach Dip
Bread
Popcorn
A Badass Jack's wrap of some kind (I walked past there)
Cheese

That is all. For now.

Addendum (9:32pm)

Beef Jerky
A chocolate bar of indeterminate kind
Clam chowder
Hummus
The Cowgirl Breakfast from Mosaics
Skewered BBQ Chicken
Ham and Pineapple Pizza
BBQ Chicken Pizza
Creamed Corn

Tempt me with your bacon all you want

2006-01-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

The Master Cleanse has begun. Well, for me at least. I just poured myself a glass of water, squeezed in some fresh lemon juice, added some delicious maple syrup and a pinch of cayenne pepper to spice things up. It was actually pretty delicious. For the next 10 days this will be the whole of my diet.

So, offer me candy under the pretense of sharing all you want, I will refuse. Invite me up to RATT and I may go, but I will not consume any of their greasy food, heck, I won't even drink their filthy water.

Goodbye "toxins!"

Adventures in Toronto

2006-01-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

We'll Meet Again...

2006-01-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

One of the major reasons for my coming to the Gateway, as well as one of my better friends over the past few years, has up and gone to Toronto this morning.

I'll miss ya, buddy. Good luck finding a Grasshopper in Leafsland.

Party Manimals

2006-01-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

While the party wasn't as wild as we would've hoped (thanks to the inconsiderate fuckwads at Holiday Inn on King and their $3000 off-duty cops) we still managed to have some fun—mainly by pre-drinking in our hotel room prior to the event and smoking the Ubyssey folks at the dance-off. Of course, it's hard not to win seeing that we have the National Awesome Chief on our side.

(The pictures are a bit crappy since I didn't know how to use the digital point and shoot and apparently taking photos while you're dancing makes fuzzy photos. )

Newspaper=Go!

2006-01-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

Alas, poor Yorick, we were done before midnight. Even though we totally didn't start until noon.

Newspaper=Go!

2006-01-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

Sorry Steve, we're done!

Newspaper=Go!

2006-01-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

What's cool: we're done at 11:01

What's not cool: this ...